I have a zombie escape plan.

100 things about me: Just in case you're drunk and bored on a Friday night.

1. I actually stole this idea from a blogger I follow on Twitter (@CecilyK). Her list is already better than mine, and I'm just on #1.

2. I troll the internet for interesting blogs, follow them, and then forget to read them.

3. By the end of next week, I'll have just over 75 composition I & II essays to grade.

4. I waste my office hours doing things like this list, and then whine about how I don't have enough time to grade.

5. I am a very messy person, but it bothers me when people (like my husband) say I'm filthy or disgusting. My car is messy, my house is messy, but I am clean. So are my dogs, my kid, and just about everything that really needs to be. I see no point in keeping my life immaculate.

6. I feel guilty any time I spend more than $20 on myself now that I'm a mom.

7. I have 4 dogs, and if I had my way, I'd probably have about 10 more.

8. If I cannot sleep next to my dogs, well, I don't sleep at all.

9. I hate to cuddle. Even with my husband. I have always been this way. Do not try to change me.

10. I bit my nails until I was in my 20's.

11. I drink almost nothing but diet soda. I dislike water to the 10th degree.

12. When I was pregnant, drinking water was the only thing that made me want to throw up. So I didn't drink water, and guess what? My kid came out healthy and happy as a clam. Suck it, Pregnancy Rule Book.

13. I used to worry that after I had my son that people would define me by him. Now, I worry that they won't.

14. I do not believe in sleep training or letting my baby cry until he falls asleep. If my kid cries--I pick him up. Even if it's at 3 a.m.

15. I believe in the Family Bed (I think the trendy term is "co-sleeping").

16. I believe every child is different, and it's stupid to always "do what the book says".

17. I use tons of post-it notes, but I hardly ever read what I've written on them.

18. When I was 25 I was in a terrible car accident. The head trauma caused my short-term memory to be all screwy--and I use this as an excuse as much as possible for the reason as to why I forget whatever I have not written down on the back of my hand.

19. Since people very rarely comment on my blog, I worry no one reads it.

20. I can count 9 empty cans of soda in my office. I bet the janitor LOVES me.

21. I have been out of printer paper for over a month. I have been stealing it from my office mate. She can't understand where all her paper keeps going, and I don't have the heart to tell her I'm a thief.

22. I think it's funny when people tell me they like my clothes, and when I say I bought them at Wal-Mart, they say, "Really? I've never seen that there."

23. I gained 60 lbs while I was pregnant.

24. I feel like a failure because after 4 months, I've lost only 30 lbs.

25. I have a week and a half to lose the aforementioned 30 lbs in order to fit into a bridesmaid's dress for my bff's wedding.

26. It ain't gonna happen.

27. Had to order a totally different dress

28. Sometimes I think that social media outlets like Facebook and Twitter are just a way for stupid people to spell words incorrectly.

29. I often wonder why I have been blessed with such an amazing network of family and friends when I. DO. Not. Deserve. Them. Seriously, I wonder about this all the time, and am constantly afraid that something terrible is going to happen, because if it does--it'll be just what I deserve.

30. In addition, I don't understand why God allowed me to get pregnant so easily, or why he gave me a perfect and healthy baby when there are women out there who try and try and can never have children. It isn't fair, I know it, and I say a  silent "thank-you" about 50 times a day.

31. I'm a liberal.
32. That doesn't make me a communist.

33. Or a Marxist.

34. Or even a socialist.

35. I believe in marriage equality for all.

36. I believe healthcare is a right.

37. I'm pro-choice, which is not the same as pro-abortion.

38. I listen to conservative talk radio every day just to hear what what is being said.

39. I could and would argue with a fence post.

40. I think driving a gas guzzling car is pretty damn dumb, but I am not in favor of the government mandating what kind of car I am allowed to drive.

41. I drive a Scion.

42. But I wish I had a 1999 Volvo station wagon. That's the last year they made that "boxy" style that I like.

43. I like my dogs better than most people.

44. The main thing my husband and I argue about is the dogs.

45. He is pretty sure he married the Crazy Dog Lady.

46. My husband and I met on Match.com.

47. If he had wanted to avoid marrying the Crazy Dog Lady, he should have been more thorough in reading my profile.

48. If I had the money, I'd spend all my time volunteering with animal rescues.

49. Or I'd start my own.

50. I've written a children's book entitled, A Dog Named Helen Keller. It's about my blind and deaf French Bulldog. It's a true story of how she was rescued.

51. Nobody wants to publish my book.

52. I've been blogging since 2002, and have always fantasized about someone "important" stumbling across my blog and contracting me to write a memior of my fascinating life.

53. That has yet to happen.

54. But I will never give up hope.

55. I have a B.A. in English.

56. And an M.A. in Creative Writing.

57. Thank God for community college jobs.

58. Otherwise I'd be working at Wal-Mart.

59. I eat at Subway almost every day during the week.

60. And then I bitch at my husband for spending money on fast food.

61. I buy covers for my iPhone like they're going out of style.

62. There is a cake pan sitting in my office that has been here since last August.

63. It amazes me that some students think it is okay to write essays with the same grammar they would use to text a buddy--"wat is ur moms #? i think shes hot. l8er."

64. I think the belief that childhood immunizations cause autism is a crock of shit.

65. I overdrew my bank account every month until online banking came along.

66. Now, I check my balance psychotically.

67. I make snowman 8's.

68. I don't feel as strongly about any political issue as I do animal welfare, particularly when it comes to puppy mills in the state of Missouri.

69. Three of my four bulldogs are rescues, and two of them are puppy mill survivors. In addition, all four of my parents' bulldogs are puppy mill survivors, three of which I rescued myself.

70. My kid looks like Jabba the Hutt in his picture with the Easter Bunny.

71. I hate everything involving Nicholas Sparks. Whenever I have a student write about him, I have to resist the urge to fail them based purely upon principle.

72. I could play around on eBay all day. Seriously. All. Day.

73. I always heard that you don't meet the people who will become your true best friends until after adulthood. I have met many good friends along the way, but I am still best, best friends with the women who were my best, best friends in high school.

74. I go through about 30 lint rollers a year. Having dogs has not made it easier for me to deal with having hair on my clothing. It drives me nuts.

75. It annoys me that my husband thinks the only real way to have dress clothes cleaned is to have them dry cleaned. 

76. He grew up much more privileged than I did.

77. He was also the star football player, homecoming king type, and I was the chubby over-achiever. Had we gone to the same school, he probably would have made fun of me.

78. Except for I went to a small school, so I was popular by default.

79. One of my best friends is Muslim.

80. We first bonded over a mutual love for Hanson when we were 15.

81. In fact, all of my best friends were made through a mutual love for certain bands/music.

82. I met another best friend at an *NSYNC concert.

83. I have at least a dozen more friends I met through Good Charlotte and New Found Glory concerts.

83. I'm not ashamed to admit my love of boy bands to anyone.

84. It all started when I was 8 with Joey McIntyre from NKOTB.

85. I seriously thought we were getting married.

86. It annoys me when people are music snobs. I think lots of people claim to like music they really don't in order to seem cool. That's just as bad as paying money to go on a Backstreet Boys cruise.

87. While I was pregnant, I could never get into those shows like Bringing Home Baby on TLC, but I wanted to watch something that gave me a frame of reference. So I started watching Teen Mom and 16 & Pregnant on MTV. And now, I am addicted. I even follow three of the teen moms from Teen Mom 2 on Twitter.

88.There are few things in life I enjoy more than eating.

89. I knew my husband was my soul mate when after we started living together he'd call me at 7 a.m. on his way to work and say, "What are we having for dinner, babe?"


90. An uncle once said to me, "Don't you think you'd be happier if you lost some weight?" That question stays with me, always.


91. One of my dogs is literally retarded. People laugh when I say this, but it's true. She also has deformed front legs, and has a front end cart (fancy dog lingo for "wheelchair") to get around. If she was a human, she'd get all kinds of money from the government. 


92. I loved Dennis Quaid in Jaws 3.


93. I am obsessed with all things zombie. Sometimes I daydream about ways to survive the Zombie Apocalypse. 


94. I have a zombie escape plan.


95. It involves coating my skin in a bite-proof rubber.


96. I dread the day my kid is old enough to pick out his own clothes because I enjoy dressing him so much.


97. Whenever I read a book, the house the main characters live in is always a house that I've lived in previously, usually a childhood home.


98. I love ranch dressing.


99. From across the room I just heard my husband say, "Oh, fuck my balls." into his headset. I think he's talking to Kobe Bryant.


100. This list has taken me three days to finish. I'm so glad to be done. I'll never do this again.