but I know I won't keep on playing the victim...
Alanis Morissette's album, Under Rug Swept came out in the spring of 2002, and it spoke to my soul. There are days when it still speaks to my soul.
Aaaaand it's back to work after a week of spring break. I can't say I'm thrilled to be back, but I'm most assuredly ready to hurry up and get this semester over. Spending the week at home reminded me of just how much I'm missing while I'm at work in regards to Jude. I was sad to leave him this morning. At least I'll have this summer to spend with him, and I'm sure I'll be good and ready to go back to work in August.
I spent most of last week on a blanket on the floor, playing. Jude can now roll over from back to front and front to back. He started doing it right after he turned 2 months, but it was on accident, and it always surprised him. Now he can do it deliberately, and it's so fun to watch. He's starting to giggle, which is probably my favorite sound in the whole world.
This week brings a plethora of birthdays in my family--my brother's fiance's was yesterday, my brother's is Wednesday, and my husband's is Friday. We're having a big family party this weekend, and I'm still two presents short. I hope I have time to find presents before then, or I'll be in trouble. My brother does not do well when presented with an IOU.
Right now, it seems like I'm spending all my time waiting. I'm waiting for the semester to be over, I'm waiting to get paid, I'm waiting for Jude to achieve his next milestone....mainly, it feels like I'm waiting on money. I'm waiting for the rest of my teaching contract to pay out, and I'm waiting on my summer teaching money. We're also waiting on the insurance settlement from my husband's father's death, which seems like a terrible thing to be waiting on. It feels wrong to be excited about it, even though it means we can pay off my car. In addition, there is all this controversy surrounding the whole situation, a situation I'm totally sick of hearing about and dealing with. I hate how this type of thing can turn family members against each other. It's disheartening to see people who should be comforting each other, fighting about menial issues.
While I agree that it's nice to have money (I mean, nobody enjoys being poor), maybe the reason I'm so irritated by the whole situation is because I've never really had any money to speak of. Maybe I'd understand it if I had any money to lose, or if money mattered more to me. Don't get me wrong, I like having nice things, and I like being able to pay the bills, but at the end of the day I don't lose sleep over how much money I do or do not have in the bank (unless the rent is due). I'm glad that I married someone who is about as concerned with it as I am.
More than anything, I wish my husband wasn't having to deal with all of this. He is completely worn out, and has been taking shit from people who ought to be supporting him. There is not enough venom in me to properly spell out for you the things I would like to say to these people. In fact, I've probably made it worse on my husband, because he's had to ask me to retract my fangs a few times. But he's done nothing but try to keep everybody happy, and make sure no one is left out. Once it is all said and done, much of it is unfair, but that's nothing he has control over, and nothing he can change.
It's been easier for him to let all of this go than it has been for me. I hold grudges. I'm well aware that this is a fault rather than an attribute, but it's the truth about me. I'm much more likely to hold a grudge if you treat someone I love badly than if you treat me badly. I have no idea how this trait of mine is going to play out once it becomes time for me to start defending Jude. Hopefully, there won't be any jail time involved.
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